


i know you're over my shoulder

by silversilky



Series: BandoRevue AU [3]
Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game), 少女☆歌劇 レヴュー・スタァライト | Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Trans Female Character, plentiful dunking on sayo hikawa, some internalized transphobia because it's sayo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:41:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22757215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silversilky/pseuds/silversilky
Summary: The classroom door swings open wide, and Sayo's past floods in the room like blood gushing from an open wound.
Relationships: Hazawa Tsugumi/Hikawa Sayo, Hikawa Hina & Hikawa Sayo, Hikawa Hina/Imai Lisa
Series: BandoRevue AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1620568
Comments: 11
Kudos: 61





	i know you're over my shoulder

**Author's Note:**

> content warning for internalized transphobia and some heavy self-depreciation, mostly depicted through pov internal thoughts

There is a house with a white roof, and behind its peak is the sun.

Inside, there are two siblings playing together. The girl is full of boundless energy--she picks up their toys, characters from a magical girl show that will soon be forgotten by time, and runs around the room with them, making sounds to pretend they're flying on their own power. She giggles, and swings them in wild arcs. The boy sits quietly, watches her. He wants to join in. The yellow one is his favorite, and it'd be fun to pretend to be as cool as her for a while.

But before he can even ask, a sudden thought occurs to him... Boys can't be magical, can they?

And as he watches his sister stumble around happily, feeling jealousy's first cold prickle, the seed of something new is planted deep down inside his heart.

* * *

The room is still dark when Sayo is pulled from her slumber. Her eyelids are a mighty foe, and it takes her several long moments to force them open. She dares to close them again as she stretches out in place, forcing the inertia from her body, before sitting up... but she stops halfway as she feels a resistance tug on her blanket. For a moment, she's confused, but that feeling gives way to a deep warmth as she turns to see the familiar-sized lump under her sheets on the other side of the bed.

She pulls them back as slowly as she can manage, revealing brown hair, then a face she's long since memorized. Sayo takes a few minutes to admire her beloved's beauty before leaning in closer. "Tsugumi-san, wake up..." she whispers, close to the other girl's ear, and the lump stirs.

"Grmmmmnnff..." is her reply, and Sayo smiles at Tsugumi's drowsy expression as she sits up alongside her. Tsugumi blinks her eyes blearily. "Mm... Sayo...mmph... morning?"

"It is, my dear," Sayo tells her, stretching up to give her a chaste kiss on her forehead, so light she's not sure if Tsugumi will even feel it when she's in this state. "It's still quite early, though, but you mentioned wanting to get some extra studying in before class, and stretches as well. We'll only have time if we leave soon."

"Mmmmyeah..." Tsugumi half-leans, half-falls forward to plant a kiss on her cheek, and Sayo's face heats up in response. Tsugumi gives her a grin. "Sweetie, thank y..." She's cut off by a yawn, and after it's done she shakes her head quickly, like a wet dog, as if to physically force the sleepiness out of her head. It's the cutest thing Sayo's seen in her life.

While she's still in a daze, Tsugumi hops out of bed and gets her things together. Sayo lets herself flop back down onto the pillow, hair splaying out everywhere messily. For a brief moment, she wonders what Yukina or even Lisa would think of her now. Stoic, hardass Sayo Hikawa lying in a messy heap, just doing her best to stay awake... It's fine. Tsugumi is allowed to see her in any state.

Eventually, though, she must get herself together enough to leave her room for practice with Tsugumi. They've got a stack of books to pick up before they can start, after all, and then they'll need to set up the room for stretches afterward.

...Maybe Tsugumi will want to do that one stretch where her head rests against Sayo's chest. The thought crosses her mind for just one fleeting instant, and Sayo trips on the carpet.

* * *

They didn't end up doing that one, but it's fine, spending time with Tsugumi alone and helping her with the more difficult aspects of study is reward enough for Sayo. She knows exactly the sort of thoughts that can start running through her girlfriend's head when she's left to struggle alone, knows them all too well. And there's nothing she likes more than the knowledge that her help can clear those insecurities away, even if only temporarily.

The eraser of her pencil taps against her desk, slowly and rhythmically. Her eyes scrutinize the blackboard closely for several moments before realizing the only writing on it is half-erased and left over from the previous day, and she does her very best to keep the embarrassment off her face. Sometimes it can be a challenge to come across as her usual unaffected self when Tsugumi is on her mind, and... well, worst case scenario, her expression might become some sort of strange, confused scowl. She never claimed to express emotions normally.

This situation is only worsened when Tsugumi giggles from across the classroom, muffling herself far too late. It looks like Moca whispered something to her... and now Moca's waggling her eyebrows aggressively in Sayo's direction. The girl begins to mouth a sentence, acting out airy motions to accompany it... _Sayo and Tsugu, sitt--_

Sayo whips her gaze away as quickly as possible, unwilling to give Moca the satisfaction of seeing her react to such ridiculous teasing. Where is their teacher, anyway?

On the other side of the room... Lisa's posture looks odd. She looks incredibly tense in her seat, staring a hole right through her desk... Why is that? Perhaps Sayo should ask her what's wrong after class. Or, alternatively, she could inform someone with more emotional intelligence to comfort her instead. Cold, stoic Sayo may not be much help in this situation, she thinks, and frowns.

She doesn't have long to stew in that self-depreciation, because their teacher has finally arrived, and she's wearing... an odd expression. Not excitement, but not quite trepidation, somewhere in between? She claps twice authoritatively, and addresses the class in a cheery tone that sounds forced. "Everyone! I've got something important to tell you all. We've got a new transfer student arriving today, and she's coming in from a prestigious foreign academy."

She turns to the door. "Make sure you all give her a warm welcome."

The classroom door swings open wide,

and Sayo's past floods in the room like blood gushing from an open wound.

She hears the girl's peppy introduction only in fragments, her heartbeat is too loud in her ears for anything else, and she feels herself stand roughly. Her chair clatters to the floor behind her. No, no, you can't be here. You left. I left you behind. You aren't allowed here. Get out get out get out get out get OUT. If you won't leave then I will. I--

And then the room becomes a blur as she walks forward, faster and faster, swinging around the corner of the door frame and out, and then he starts to run-- _she_ \--she starts to run. A life's weight is on her shoulders, and no matter how fast she scrambles down this hallway, it won't fall away.

Go away!

Leave me alone!

I'm not like that anymore...

Please, please stop, I don't ever want to go back--

"Sayo!" a voice cries out from behind her, and she stops. She doesn't turn around, just takes a few slow steps towards the wall--her feet feel like they're encased in concrete--and once she makes it that distance she presses her forehead against the white wallpaper to steady herself. Her hair falls around her face like a shield protecting her from the world. The exertion of running hits her, and she starts to breath heavily, desperate to fill her lungs, but they won't work right now. Why won't they work?

"Sayo, oh, sweetie..." Tsugumi reaches up and gently moves Sayo's hair to the side, and Sayo meets her gaze for a moment before closing her eyes shut tight. She turns her head to the side, still trying her best to catch her breath.

"Was that...?" Tsugumi whispers, compassion in her voice, and Sayo slowly nods. Tsugumi doesn't react, only stays by her side, and... that's all Sayo needs right now. A warm presence from her current life to ground her.

She screws her eyes shut even tighter for a moment, then steps back from the wall. All right, that's enough of a breakdown for today. Time to pull herself back into her body. She takes a deep, shuddering breath, and slowly she feels sensation returning to her arms and legs.

"Um... would a hug help?" Tsugumi pipes up from her side, and Sayo turns to look at her girlfriend with wide eyes.

Against all odds, she can't help a wavering smile from showing up on her face at that. "It's all right, Tsugumi-san. I'll be okay," she says, and pauses. "I... I suppose I wouldn't be opposed to a hug, though. Only if you--"

Before she can finish her sentence, Tsugumi falls into her, wrapping around her torso tightly with a gentle, firm grip. Sayo looks down at her with surprise, before slowly, carefully returning the gesture. She chuckles deeply, and decides she's recovered enough now for a bit of teasing. "... Well, Tsugumi-san, you are certainly eager."

"Wha--" Tsugumi pulls back and stares at her. "Sayo! Don't make fun of me like that! Geez!"

The indignation only earns her another quiet laugh, but then... Sayo's eyes are blurring up. Why are they...? She touches her face and feels the wetness on her cheek. Oh. She's crying... but why?

Tsugumi looks panicked. "Ahh, Sayo, did I--are you--I'm sorry...?"

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Tsugumi-san," Sayo reassures her firmly, even as she wipes more tears away. No, these tears... they're different, she can tell that much. Perhaps it's at least partially out of relief. On some level, deep down, did she think that her past would have the power to simply wash away the current Sayo? Is she that flimsy, easy to break? No. Sayo is strong, and that's what makes her admire Tsugumi so, for being even stronger still.

Regardless of anything, she's still here, she's still Sayo. She's not going anywhere fast.

"All right..." Tsugumi whispers, and tilts her head to the side, rubbing Sayo's shoulder rhythmically, so soothingly. "Sayo, do you wanna go back to your room together and just rest for a while? I don't think we're getting back to class today..."

"I..." She steals a glance down the hallway, where the teacher is undoubtedly waiting for her return, but even if she's pulled herself together for the moment the thought of confronting her sister so soon is almost unthinkable. Sayo truly can't imagine what side of herself would emerge in that situation. "I would like nothing more, Tsugumi-san, but... you should go back. I won't have you missing anything on my behalf."

"But--"

"No buts, I won't hear it. Knowing you're working hard as always will help me more than anything." Sayo stands firm, knowing Tsugumi doesn't mind when she's a little strict, and eventually Tsugumi gives in to Sayo's stubbornness and nods.

"All right. But you have to promise me you'll actually get some proper rest!" It's Tsugumi's turn to be forceful, and Sayo wilts under her watchful gaze.

"I promise," she says with a small nod of her own, and Tsugumi smiles. She tentatively leans in for a kiss, and Sayo obliges, capturing Tsugumi's warm lips with her own. Her eyes gently shut and she leans into the embrace, wrapping her arm around her girlfriend's lower back to pull her close. After a long moment, they separate, and Tsugumi gives her a smile and a tender squeeze on the shoulder before she leaves.

Sayo watches her walk away, and when she's gone she lets a deep, rattling breath escape her poor lungs.

Hina...

How'd she even know what school Sayo was attending? Did she manage to get it out of their parents? But how... she'd left for that other academy two years ago, and they ceased being on speaking terms at least a year before that. Why now?

Why crash back in Sayo's life now, of all times, when she's finally starting to be... herself?

* * *

For the next week, it becomes second nature to avoid Hina at all costs.

Sayo enters class not a moment earlier than necessary and leaves without a second to spare, her eyes cast forward all the while. She starts to keep her things in her room, so she doesn't have to go near the lockers. Then she stops leaving her room entirely, unless she has to. She still hasn't made eye contact with her sister. Hasn't exchanged even a sentence, or a greeting.

Sometimes, Hina will call out to her, but her tone makes it clear she doesn't expect a response in kind. Sayo blocks it out as best she can.

Tsugumi is there, of course she is. But Sayo can see the way her gaze tightens as she looks at her some days. Sayo doesn't want to let her down, but this is... something she can't even begin to fix, no matter how badly she'd like to. Or at least, that's how she justifies it to herself when the shame is too much to bear without an excuse in hand, like a silver cross to ward off vampires.

Her thoughts drift further, to the revue that she took part in the other night... Yukina was a formidable opponent. Normally, she'd welcome the chance to fight her, but Sayo burns up with regret as she remembers how pitifully she fought that night. She even let herself run out of arrows with no backup plan to speak of. She was distracted, plain and simple, so much so that it cost her the fight.

Sayo closes her book with a quiet clap, and sighs deeply. She hasn't truly processed the words she's been reading here for at least a chapter or two. She gathers her notes up and puts them into a folder, doing her best to make sure they're all still properly organized so she can get back to her place when she's got the mental capacity to focus on it. It's time to take a break. And there's a revue tonight to rest up for, as well...

Sayo wonders, sometimes, what she would do if she became the Top Star. Any stage she wants... A world where she can be herself. She's already got that, doesn't she?

She did, at least, until...

Blinking twice heavily, her gaze wanders around the library, taking in her surroundings and looking for reference books she still needs to fill the emptiness that threatens to take her mind away. It's a square peg in a round hole, but it still works well enough for what she needs. Just something to do. A simple task to fill the empty moments.

Her gaze focuses on one slim volume, and she squints to see the title. That's... It's a book Yukina was looking for, right? A translation of the original Phantom of the Opera. She was writing her own version for an assignment. Someone's been careless and left it in the nonfiction section, shoved between a pair of dusty biographies. Sayo huffs, vowing to check who last borrowed it and give them a talking to, and stands to pick it up. As she pulls it from the shelf, she hears a voice from the next row over.

"Ahh, here it is... you were looking for the astronomy section, right? I'm not sure if they'll have the exact one you wanted, but..."

Tsugumi. Sayo feels her heartbeat shift at the sound of her. It sounds like she's doing her best to help someone with their studies... Always so compassionate to her friends and classmates. Sayo smiles. She leans against the bookcase and closes her eyes. Yes, it's eavesdropping, and she wouldn't ever consider that normally! She can't help wanting to hear just a bit more of her beloved's voice, though.

But Sayo's blood runs cold at the next voice she hears.

"Thanks, Tsugu-chan! Aha, you know this place crazy well! It's like you live here or something!"

"I mean, I do live in the dorms during the week, eheh..."

She takes a step back, then another, and then she's sweeping the rest of her things from the table and making her way out. She doesn't look back over her shoulder to see if Hina or Tsugumi notice her as she passes quickly by their row. It's almost familiar by now, running away from her problems. But this time, Tsugumi won't be there to hug her and tell her it's all right.

How could she... when did she get so close to Hina? Why?

And what's more... Tsugu-chan? They know each other well enough that Hina is using her nickname? Sayo feels her hands ball up tightly into fists, and she grits her teeth as her breaths quicken. She hasn't even used that name yet, and yet--as always, Hina is ahead of her, no matter where she goes, who she meets, what she does to herself.

It takes a moment to realize she's left the building, and the sun is shining down on her. She shades her brow with her hand, and wilts. It's too bright... The day is always too bright for her.

* * *

There is a house with a white roof, and behind its peak is the moon.

Inside, now, only one of the siblings is home. He's somewhere he knows he shouldn't be--his sister's room is off limits, but she's not here, so maybe it's fine if he's quiet and puts everything back where he found it. He knows exactly where her makeup is. She barely knows how to use it, at this point, but their parents are more than willing to buy it for her. Their little girl is growing up. So is he, as much as the thought of it makes him feel like his days are numbered.

He carefully slips out a small tube, fumbling with it until he can get the cap off. Applying it to his lips so, so carefully, he uses her mirror to see what he's doing. Then, he takes one of her hair clips and puts that in as well. He looks in the mirror... and freezes in place at what he sees staring back at him.

It's such a shock, in fact, that he doesn't notice when the door opens. "Big bro, there you are--oh. Oh!!" His sister's eyes glitter. "You look so pretty!"

"Don't lie," he chokes out, and before he can stop himself he's tearing the hairclip out, smearing the lipstick on his palm. He's out the door before she can say another word. Neither of them will ever speak of this again.

* * *

There's a knock at her door. Sayo hesitates before rising from her desk, and walks as slowly as she can manage. It could be Yukina or Lisa, right? Perhaps Lisa wants to borrow Sayo's notes again? But as much as she denies it, she knows very well who is waiting outside her room. Is Tsugumi here simply to see her, like normal, or... Did she notice Sayo's presence in the library? Either way, Sayo's throat dries up at the thought of seeing her right now.

She turns the knob slowly, and as the door creaks open the girl on the other side peeks into the crack. Tsugumi is smiling. That's a good sign, right?

"Sayo! I wanted to come hang out for a bit, if it's a good time?"

Sayo nods silently, and opens the door so her girlfriend can enter. Tsugumi goes for a hug, and Sayo freezes stiffly before attempting to return the gesture. It's not fast enough that she doesn't notice.

Tsugumi slips out of Sayo's arms and takes a quick step back. "Ah... heheh, sorry, was that too much right away?" She looks apologetic. No, I liked it, Sayo wants to say, but the words won't come out, so she tries to smile instead. It comes out crooked and insincere.

"Sayo..." Tsugumi tentatively reaches out to take her hand, so softly. "How are you feeling? Do you want to go rest together for a bit?" She stands up straighter as something seems to come to mind. "I, um, I made some cookies if you wanna try them!" With her free hand, she reaches into her bag and rummages around to find them. She holds up the bag, and though they smell delicious... Sayo doesn't quite have an appetite at the moment. She puts them on the counter.

"I think I do want to rest, Tsugumi-san..."

"Let's do that, then!" Tsugumi says enthusiastically. She grins, and there's a bit of a nervous edge to it. She wants Sayo to feel comfortable so badly... Oh, I love her, Sayo thinks at the sight of it, and the ice around her starts to thaw under Tsugumi's warmth.

The bed creaks slightly under their weight as they sit side by side, closer than friends would, maybe still a bit further apart than most lovers. Tsugumi gently rests her hand on Sayo's between them, and uses her thumb to rub shapes into it with soft motions. Sitting together with her, just existing with each other in the same moment, is so nice... Sayo lets out a long breath, and Tsugumi squeezes her hand in reply.

But their peace can't last.

"Hey... Sayo?" Tsugumi says gently, quietly. "I wanted to talk to you about something... do you feel up to it right now, or would you rather rest a bit longer first?"

Sayo swallows heavily. "Now is fine."

"It's..." Her grip on Sayo's hand tightens, and Tsugumi turns to look her in the eye firmly. "It's about you and Hina. I think... you need to talk to her. I know it's hard, but--"

"But I need to suck it up and stop complaining," Sayo says, so faintly that she has trouble believing the words came out at all. "Is that it?"

Tsugumi shakes her head. "No! No, no, that's not it at all! She just--she wants to--"

"Ah, so it's about what Hina wants." Sayo stands, taking a step away and pulling her hand out of Tsugumi's. She can't look back at her. There's poison bubbling up in Sayo's throat. It burns, and she can't help but open her mouth and let it out. "I suppose I should have expected you'd like her better, by all metrics she is the superior twin. Smarter, more sociable, a better actress, she's even a girl."

A shocked intake of breath from behind her. "Sayo-san, that's--I don't--are you saying you're not a real girl? I... I mean, I know how that feels but--"

"Do you really, Tsugumi-san? You're beautiful, empathetic, easily liked." Each compliment comes out like an expletive. "You didn't have to grow up as the horrific... funhouse mirror version of someone else."

"That's not true, Sayo, you're beautiful too!"

"Don't lie!" Sayo barks out.

And then...

And then she realizes the tone her voice has slipped into, the venom that's fully infected her words. How could she speak that way to Tsugumi? Sweet, loving Tsugumi, who saved her from herself? What kind of monster could do this? She turns, choking back the bile in her throat, and starts to apologize. "Tsugumi-san, I--"

But Tsugumi isn't there.

* * *

She knows where to find her. Tsugumi is many things, but unpredictable is not one of them, and Sayo knows that when she's feeling hurt she's always going to run to the comfort of her closest friends. Ran and Moca's rooms are down this hallway, she's fairly sure.

As she walks, she has ample time to beat herself up.

Stupid, stupid, STUPID, how dare you treat precious innocent Tsugumi that way? She's only trying to help, all she does is wear herself out helping you and everyone else. This is how you repay her? Worthless. Her footsteps quicken, but she knows this isn't something she can run from. Not this time. She has to see Tsugumi now. Even one extra moment of pain is far, far too much for her girlfriend to have to bear.

Sayo stops short in front of Ran's room. She's never had occasion to come here before, but judging by the hard rock posters stuck all over the door, she's got the right place. She raises her hand to the door and knocks without hesitation.

_don don do--_

The third knock isn't finished when the door flies open and a blur of black and red comes out toward her like an emo hurricane. One hand grabs her by her collar and the other is pulled back into a fist. "Why is Tsugumi crying!?" Ran hisses, shoving Sayo against the wall painfully.

"Mitake-san," she coughs out, "I'm here to talk to her--"

"Oh, fuck no." Ran's grip tightens. She's madder than Sayo has ever seen her, even in an actual fight. It's terrifying. "You're not going anywhere near her until I say so. Understood?"

"...Understood," Sayo says with a small nod, defeated.

"Mitake-san? Sayo...? ...What on earth is going on here?"

Oh, not Yukina. Not now. Sayo burns with shame as she turns away, not wanting her friend to see her in this state.

"Minato-san," Ran says with a nod. How can you be so polite when you've still got me by the throat? Sayo thinks exhaustedly. Maybe Ran realizes it at the same time, because she grudgingly lets her go. Sayo slumps back against the wall, all the energy gone from her body. She reaches up with one arm, covering her eyes with it as she lets out the deepest sigh of the day.

"Minato-san," she begins, her voice breaking halfway through, "I... must be the one to apologize for this scene."

Yukina looks utterly bemused as she watches the two of them from across the hall, a bouquet of flowers in her hand. "Mitake-san, why are you attacking my friend? I believe Sayo's been beat down quite enough in the last few days."

"It was justified," Sayo says, at the same time as Ran replies "She deserved it."

"Well, I'm glad you two are in agreement, at least." Yukina looks down at Sayo, no pity in her eyes, only curiosity. "What crime did you commit to deserve punishment by Mitake-san's righteous hand, then?"

"She made Tsugumi cry," Ran spits out.

Yukina's cold gaze shifts back to her, and Sayo can't bring herself to meet it. That in and of itself is more than enough confirmation of Ran's words. "Well, then. Sayo. What will you do about it?" Her blunt tone is somehow more painful than Ran's physical assault, but something about it bolsters Sayo.

She mumbles out a reply, as clear as she can manage. "I came here to apologize..."

"Oh? Is that all?"

Sayo looks up at that, confused. "What do you mean? She deserves an apology immediately."

"You fucking bet she does!" Ran says. Why didn't you let me see her, then? Sayo thinks, but makes the wise decision to keep that thought locked up.

Yukina shakes her head. "I'm afraid I can't imagine why you would fight, but you have to consider it yourself. Why did it happen? Are you willing to confront that question before meeting her again? Because if not, then nothing will be solved by a simple apology. It will merely be a patchwork solution, destined to wear out eventually, and then you'll be right back here."

Sayo can't muster up anything to say in response to that. "I suppose... you're correct," she mumbles out pathetically. "But still... I have to speak to her. I won't let her feel this way for any longer." There's an energy building up in her body now, and she pushes herself up to stand straight.

She turns to Ran and bows deeply. Ran makes some sort of surprised noise at that, but she pays it no mind. "Please, Mitake-san. Allow me to speak to Hazawa-san. I swear I will not hurt her again."

"Ugh... hey, stop bowing already, come on. I'm not gonna... I won't stop you if you wanna apologize for real." Ran scratches the back of her neck, looking pointedly away. "Just... be careful with her, all right?"

Sayo nods. "I understand. And... if it's not too inappropriate in this situation.... thank you for taking such good care of Hazawa-san."

Ran squirms, frowning. "I mean, it's Tsugumi... of course we're gonna do our best to take care of her. We're her friends." She looks up and squints as if remembering something important, and calls out through the doorway of her room. "Yo! Moca! Forget that thing you were gonna do, the mission's off."

Moca's head pops into view, a sizable glass object dangling dangerously from her hand. "Awwwww, but Moca was looking forward to it~..." Looking more closely at her weapon, Sayo stifles a noise of surprise as she realizes it's a bong. That really would be her luck, wouldn't it? Death by a banned object in the hands of a ne'er-do-well. The irony of it wouldn't be lost on anyone.

Yukina waves with her free hand. "Aoba-san, it's good to see you."

"Real nice to see you too, Yukichi~, lookin' Yukinastic as always." Moca returns the wave with a lazy finger waggle.

Looking back and forth between the bizarre pair, Sayo wonders when they managed to become friends, but chooses to let it go. Instead, she focuses on the contents of Yukina's other hand, realizing it could help with her goal of a heartfelt apology. "Minato-san, if I may ask... where did those flowers come from? I'd like to get some for Hazawa-san, if possible."

"Ah. Lis--er, someone--gave them to me." Yukina frowns, and looks down at them with a strange expression. "I didn't ask where she got them from... Perhaps whoever provided them would be willing to get something similar for you?"

"Absolutely fucking not!" Ran cries out indignantly.

* * *

"...Tsugumi-san?" Sayo calls out, her hand against the bedroom door gingerly. Her hand is shaking, she realizes as her gaze focuses on it.

"I... I came to apologize for my... outburst. I understand if you don't wish to see me quite yet but..." She lets out a deep sigh, and continues. "I must make up for the way I've treated you, you didn't do anything to deserve--"

The door opens abruptly, and there she is, staring up at Sayo with an expression she can't read. Her eyes are red... at the sight of it, Sayo feels a twisting sensation deep inside. She swallows, and tries to say something more, but her words aren't working at all now.

"...You wanna come sit down?" Tsugumi asks softly, and after a moment she moves to take a seat on the side of Ran's bed. Sayo awkwardly follows, lowering herself down as far away from the other girl as she can.

It's almost funny, all this and how does it end up? Sayo and Tsugumi sitting on a bed together, with something gestating unspoken between them. But this time, Sayo absolutely will not let it end the same way. She turns. "Tsugumi-san, I--"

"Sayo--"

Both sentences fizzle out to nothing as they cut each other off, and the two of them stare at each other with wide eyes. And then...

"Ah, ahahaha!"

Tsugumi is giggling. She's smiling, too, even in this situation, and Sayo feels a breath release that she wasn't aware she was holding. "Tsugumi-san, what's so... funny?"

"It's just like back then..." Tsugumi looks at her with a faraway gaze. "You remember, after the revue, when I went to your room and we... You know, when we kissed for the first time. We were stumbling all over each other trying to talk then, too... Oh my gosh, we were so awkward back then!"

Sayo remembers it perfectly, and that precious memory helps ground her. She knows what she has to do, what Tsugumi deserves right now.

Balling up all her willpower as tight as possible, she stands, and with her arms held flat against her sides she bows as deep as she can manage. She hears Tsugumi make an alarmed noise, but doesn't look up from the floor. "Tsugumi-san..." she starts, her throat dry and her chest full of ice. "I apologize from the bottom of my heart for the unforgivable way I acted towards you, and I hope you will be able to forgive my transgressions..."

"Sayo!" Tsugumi sounds positively panicked. "Hey, get up, you don't need to bow or anything like that! It's just--it's only me, after all, you don't need to be formal..."

"To the contrary, I must be formal because it's you, Tsugumi-san. Nothing less would be acceptable for you." Sayo stands up straight again, but slowly, and then--then she has to steady herself as Tsugumi crashes into her, burying her face in her shoulder. "T-Tsugumi!?"

"I was worried... that I went too far." Tsugumi mumbles out, the words tripping over each other. "I didn't mean to get so close to Hina, I just wanted to try to figure out if she'd be open to talking to you, but... she's really nice. And she kinda got attached to me right away for some reason. I don't know why... I wasn't sure how to bring it up."

"It's only because of how easy you are to care for, Tsugumi-san," Sayo says softly, and she raises her hand to card through her short hair and pull her closer. "I had no right to lose my temper with you, you are allowed to socialize with whoever you wish. And... Hina..." It's maybe the hardest thing Sayo has ever said, but she manages to force it out, and with it she feels a part of the weight on her back lift.

"...I know she's not a bad person. She never wanted to hurt me, not once. I just... when I'm confronted with her, I become... the worst version of myself."

Tsugumi nods against her, and the two of them stay together in silence for several long moments. Sayo continues to run her fingers through Tsugumi's hair, so gently, and Tsugumi pulls her just a bit tighter in response. "Um... I'm sorry if this is too soon, but..." Tsugumi whispers, her voice growing firmer as she continues to speak. "If you know Hina doesn't want to hurt you... I really think you have to talk to her, Sayo. For both your sakes. That's all I wanted to say before."

Sayo lets out a resigned sigh, and forces the ice in her chest away so she can feel the truth in her girlfriend's words. "As always... You are correct, Tsugumi-san. I'm sorry I couldn't listen to you sooner."

Tsugumi stretches up to give Sayo a kiss on the cheek, and Sayo's face warms up from the light contact. "I love you a whole lot, Sayo, you know that?"

"I love you as well, with everything I have." Sayo meets her girlfriend's gaze and doesn't look away. She wants to say more, so much more, but before she can an electronic sound comes from her pocket. A series of beeps that's all too familiar.

_deedleEEDLEeedleeedleE DOOnanoonanoonanoonano_

The two of them stare at her pocket. "Now?" Tsugumi asks with growing surprise. "But who...?"

But as she flips the phone open to see the small, spinning bear logo, Sayo already knows in her heart who her revue partner will be tonight.

* * *

Sayo Hikawa is falling down, down, down, isn't she always, though? Physically, emotionally... Every step she takes, she stumbles. Every fight she picks she loses. But something feels different this time.

Every fall she takes gets her a little closer to absolution.

Sayo hits the barrier and crashes through, blinding red filling her sight in every direction as she sinks ever deeper. The machines are working overtime to create their revue tonight. Sayo can't imagine what it'll be like. Or maybe she simply doesn't want to. It doesn't matter which.

She closes her eyes,

  
and she is reborn.

* * *

There is a house with a white roof, and behind its peak is... a spotlight. As Sayo takes in her surroundings, she curses herself for not expecting this--for being so thrown off by it. It's almost a perfect replica. Life size, or perhaps a bit larger than life. Almost as if it's meant to be seen through the eyes of a child. It's exactly as Sayo remembers. That is, if you can overlook the fact that it's a facade, made of wood and cardboard.

But when she thinks about it, wasn't their real household just as fragile?

"Big sis!"

The cry echoes across the stage, filling the empty silence. There's no music yet. Nothing but the pounding of Sayo's heart in her chest and the voice in her head telling her to get away. But there's another voice in there--one that sounds just like Tsugumi, and it's telling her to stay. So Sayo listens. She lets her grip on her bow lessen, blood flowing back into her knuckles, and looks up to where she knows her sister stands.

Hina is--god, she's WAVING, really? Now? She's waving like an excited kid who's spotted the ice cream truck. "Big sis, you came!"

"I didn't have much of a choice in the matter," Sayo says in the flattest tone she can manage. She shifts her stance, surveying the area carefully. It's a fight, after all, and no matter her opponent she has to be prepared.

"But still!" Hina says, and she takes a step forward, carefree and reckless as ever. "Big sis, there's something I've wanted to say ever since I got here, when I saw you again!"

Get away from me, the voice in Sayo's head says in a voice cold as ice, and Sayo takes an arrow from her pack and readies it. "I... I don't want to hear it."

"But it's important--"

The arrow whizzes past, slicing Hina's cape and leaving it with a long tear. Hina puts her hands on her hips, frowning. "Geez, Sis, that's a bit much, don't you think?"

"Take things seriously for once!" Sayo yells, pulling out another arrow and training it on her sister. In response, Hina takes her dagger from its hilt, wrapping the end of its chain around her wrist. She gives it a twirl, and her gaze burns into Sayo's eyes.

"If that's how you're gonna be... I'm gonna make you hear me, Sis!"

The stage is filled with music--two string sections, battling each other for supremacy in their sound, and winding through it all, the steady rhythm of a keyboard. The sound comes through the windows of the house's facade as the two sisters face each other down at its front.

**\- REVUE OF PROMISE -**

An arrow loosed from her fingertips flies across the stage, barely missing Hina as she dodges to the side. It ends up in the side of the fake building with a thunk--Sayo takes a brief moment to note its location, she's not running out of arrows this time.

Hina counterattacks with a targeted dagger toss, and Sayo has to knock the blade away with her bow before it can make impact. She winces as it digs a nock into the wood, but it's fine, the bow will still hold.

She turns, knowing Hina can't attack until she reels the dagger back in. The main objective right now is distance. Hina's weapon has range as well, but hers is far faster, and if Hina has to attack from further away that'll give Sayo a few precious seconds to reload and aim another shot.

"Sis, stop running!"

Sayo turns to send a retort back, but her eyes widen instead as she sees that Hina has already closed the distance between them. She lunges to the side as Hina swipes for her cape, and rolls until she can leap back to her feet. Hina's off-balance now, perfect time for another shot. The arrow is loosed, but it doesn't quite hit the mark--another slash in her sister's cape, but it stays firmly attached.

Hina pouts, crossing her arms. "I know it's a fight, but you don't have to go right for the cape! Let's have some more fun first!"

Fun? Is this fun to you? This is my life! Sayo grits her teeth, and takes a step back--or tries to, before realizing she can't. She's backed herself right up against the wooden wall. She curses her luck. Another swing of Hina's dagger, and Sayo can only duck out of the way--it slices into the wood and gets stuck.

Hina tugs on the chain to pull it back to no avail, and Sayo takes the opportunity. She reaches up to grab the handle of the dagger herself, and as Hina follows that movement, she sweeps her leg under her to knock Hina off her feet. A move someone special taught her once.

As Hina hits the ground hard, her grip on the chain lessens. It's just enough for Sayo to yank it from her hand, and then...

And then Sayo holds all the cards.

She quickly readies another arrow, and points it straight at the rope holding Hina's cape on. She can't miss at this range. There's nothing holding her back from taking victory. It's the next step in becoming herself, isn't it? Just finish the fight and leave her behind.

She wants it so badly, and yet... her fingers won't loose the arrow.

"Sis..." Hina says, and she props herself up, staring down the tip of the arrow to meet Sayo's gaze. "It's fine if you wanna finish it now! I don't really care if I win or not, I just think... fighting with you, throwing ourselves at each other and doing our best, is really boppin'! I think I love it a lot!"

"It hurts," Sayo responds quietly before she can process her own reaction.

Behind her, the facade of the house looms large, and its shadow grows ever longer. It threatens to fall at any moment--to crush them both under its weight and bury them forever.

Hina blinks, confused. "...Why?"

"Seeing you hurts--it hurts so much, because..." Sayo's grip on the arrow is trembling, and her voice is no different. "It reminds me of what I am under this ridiculous pretense. Not a girl, not a moral or admirable person. Nothing. I'm nothing but a brute that can only hurt everyone around me, and eventually I'll hurt--"

Tsugumi's face flashes in her mind's eye and Sayo feels the ice build up in her chest. It cracks painfully. "I'll hurt her too, I know it, I already have..." At some point during this, the tears have built up and now threaten to spill.

"Tsugu-chan? She's really strong, though, and she loves you a bunch!"

Sayo bites her lip at that and glares. Does she really deserve that love? When she's right back here, holding all the weapons, with her sister at her feet. Someone she's supposed to love and support...

"Sis, before you--" Hina pantomimes cutting her cape's cord-- "I have to say that thing! The one I've been thinking ever since I got here!"

"Hina, I--" The ice in Sayo's chest cracks again. "I don't--just say it. Get it over with."

Hina takes a deep breath, and her shout echoes across the stage floor.

"Big Sis, you got so, _so, SO PRETTY!_ "

Sayo's eyes widen, and she takes a faltering step back. She grits her teeth as her heartbeat pounds louder and louder. "Don't--" she starts, and then...

And then she realizes just how tired she is. Tired of pushing people away. Tired of choosing to believe the worst in them, and hurting them when all they want is to love her and be loved in return. It's exhausting. It's too much, and Sayo... She doesn't want to be that person anymore. Not ever... She won't be. She won't ever be that person again, even if it kills her.

As this wave of emotion hits Sayo, the music swells up, and behind her comes a mighty crash as the house collapses in on itself onto the stage floor, falling into a massive heap of wood and cardboard, raw materials that can be reused for the next play. Behind the emptiness where it stood is darkness, filled with an array of spotlights--or maybe they're stars. It doesn't matter which one.

"Hina."

Sayo takes the arrow from its position, and puts it away. Then, she takes the dagger and flips it around to hold it carefully by the blade. "You should be more careful. I won't always be there to pick up after you, you know." And she holds out the handle for Hina.

"Big Sis..." Hina whispers, and slowly, so slowly, a blinding grin emerges across her face. "Yeah!" She nods, and takes the dagger.

The music blares, the spotlights converge onto the two as they fly towards each other. The climax is here. The main event, and it's only for Hina and Sayo alone. Nothing else in the world matters, not right now. Only the two of them, and their battle against each other and themselves to be better. Their promise to each other to be there for each other, from this day forward.

Eventually, a cape falls to the stage floor.

It doesn't matter which one.

* * *

Sayo blinks in the sudden light as Lisa pushes the door open in front of them. She squints through it, and after a moment, her eyes adjust. She walks forward, out and into the world. The sky is blue, stretching out endlessly towards the horizon. It's a beautiful day. Perfect for... whatever this is?

"Sayo, did they tell you where they'd be?" Lisa asks, and pouts. "I tried to message Hina, but she wasn't responding. She just sent me some weird sticker of a jelly-cat thing?"

Sayo nods. "Tsugumi-san told me they'd be waiting near the tables in the garden. Their class let out earlier than ours, so they should be there by now." It occurs to her that this is a good time to ask the question on her mind, and she turns to her friend with a questioning gaze.

"Imai-san, I apologize if I am speaking out of turn here, but I've been detecting some hints of this, just in both your recent actions, so, er, if this is not too personal... Are you dating my sister?"

Lisa chokes, and Sayo reaches out to steady her as she stumbles. "Ah, ahahaha, caught me off guard with that one, Sayo! Ahaha!"

Sayo's gaze narrows further. "That's not an answer, Imai-san."

"No, we aren't!" Lisa says, and she squirms. "Or... maybe...? No, I don't think we are." She doesn't seem the least bit convinced herself either way, and Sayo sighs.

"I'll need to have a talk with her about setting clear boundaries in her relationships. I swear, that girl is a mess..." Sayo puts her hand on Lisa's shoulder lightly. "Don't let her do things you're not comfortable with, Imai-san. And do make sure to let me know if she needs disciplining."

Lisa gapes at the deadly serious expression on Sayo's face, and then smiles, giggling freely. "Ahahaha! Sayo, you're too sweet!"

"I--" Sayo turns away sharply. She coughs, and steadies her voice. "Let's not keep them waiting longer than necessary. The tables are this way, I believe."

And there they are--Hina and Tsugumi are sitting across from each other, leaving room for Sayo and Lisa to sit beside each of them. It doesn't detract from the persistent feeling that this is in fact a double date. When Tsugumi spots her, she gives Sayo a smile and waves hello. Hina picks up on it and waves enthusiastically with both hands--is one allotted to her and one to Lisa?

The two of them take their places, and Sayo notes the way Hina scoots closer to Lisa. The thought is erased from her mind, though, when Tsugumi does the same and Sayo feels herself utterly short circuit from her girlfriend's warmth against her side.

"Hey, Sayo," Tsugumi mutters quietly, softly. She smiles, and Sayo--Sayo can't really help what happens next.

She wraps one arm loosely around Tsugumi's back, steadying her as Sayo leans in and kisses her. As their lips connect, Tsugumi's eyes widen and then flutter shut, and she rests her hand against Sayo's shoulder as she leans in to reciprocate her girlfriend's affection. To anyone else, it would be almost chaste--short and sweet, a normal kiss between lovers who have missed each other. But when contrasted against Sayo's image, the effect is...

"Holy shit!" Hina cries. "Sis, you're a lesbian goddess!"

Lisa bursts into more giggles at that, but stops abruptly at Hina's next addition. Hina turns to Lisa, her eyes sparkling bright. "We should do that too, Lisachi!"

"Wha--" Lisa stammers out, "I--I mean--that's a little..."

Sayo pulls away from Tsugumi to give her sister a scolding glare. "Hina! Please consider proper boundaries before suggesting things like that. It's inappropriate."

Hina nods, clearly taking in her words as if they were laws handed down from on high. She turns to Lisa, apologetically, with her hands clasped together tightly. "Sorry, Lisachi! What I meant is... do you WANT to do that?" This doesn't help Lisa in the slightest, and Sayo can't help but smile at the blush that turns her friend's face as red as her blouse.

She feels a tug at her sleeve, and turns to see Tsugumi's turned every bit as red. Perhaps it's simply a latent Hikawa gene at work, giving them the ability to fluster their romantic partners--even if one is merely prospective at the moment. "Sayo, um, that was really, really nice, but... Are you sure you're comfortable doing that so publicly...?"

Sayo smiles. "I never would have dreamed of it before, but, Tsugumi-san... I believe when I'm around you, it's far easier to stop worrying about how I will be seen by others."

"Then, um..." Tsugumi looks at her, and Sayo has to gulp at what she sees in her girlfriend's eyes then. "Do you wanna do it again?"

"Whoo! Go for it, Sis!" Hina yells, and Sayo turns her head to glare again so quickly she nearly gets whiplash.

"Hina, what did I say about boundaries?"

"Ah!" Hina claps a hand over her mouth, but Sayo can tell she's grinning under it. "Gotcha! Me 'n Lisa will give you and Tsugu-chan some alone time." She winks to Tsugumi, and the poor girl slumps down in her seat, embarrassed. Hina grabs Lisa's hand, and pulls her along as she stands up and runs to another area of the garden. Lisa protests weakly, but still turns back to give Sayo a wink of her own.

Sayo closes her eyes to collect her confidence again, and looks to her girlfriend. Tsugumi is smiling again, just as softly as before. "Sayo..." she starts, and pauses.

Reaching out to take her hand, Sayo asks quietly, "What is it, Tsugumi-san?"

"I'm just..." Tsugumi squeezes her hand tight, and meets her gaze with a relieved expression. "I'm so happy you're able to be around Hina like this now. Seeing you get along together makes me so happy, you know. It really does."

"It's only because of you that I was able to face her and overcome myself, Tsugumi-san." Sayo is absolutely sure of this. Tsugumi is more than just her girlfriend, she has become Sayo's strength. And Sayo wants nothing more than to be hers in return.

Tsugumi looks away, a wave of embarrassment crossing her face. "Well, um... if that's the case, then... maybe I know how you could repay me?"

Sayo blinks, mildly confused at her words, but understands when Tsugumi reaches up to tap her own lips with her finger. She looks at Sayo questioningly, and Sayo can't help but smile. How lucky she is, to be able to love Tsugumi and be loved by her... She leans in to close the small distance between them, and captures Tsugumi in another kiss, even more heartfelt than the last. Her lips are so soft, so warm. Oh, how Sayo loves this girl.

"Fuck yeah! Poggers!" Hina cries out from across the garden.

Sayo pulls away from the kiss abruptly, and gives Tsugumi an apologetic glance before glaring across the garden and standing. "I apologize, Tsugumi-san, but we'll have to pick this up later. I have a pressing obligation."

"What's that?" Tsugumi asks, dazed.

"Removing my sister's bones," Sayo replies, and Hina shrieks before turning and sprinting across the grass. Sayo follows her, slowly and methodically. "Hina!" she calls out coldly, "Come back here and accept your punishment."

"Don't wanna! Lisachi, save me!" Hina yells back desperately.

Lisa is nearly doubled over with laughter, and at the sight of it Sayo can't help but let a smile begin to grow across her face. It only serves to amplify Hina's terror. Tsugumi is laughing too, now, and Sayo...

Sayo is happy. Truly happy, more than she's ever been before.

The realization strikes her like a bolt of lightning, and she stops dead in her tracks. She's so happy... this is the life she's always wanted, whether she knew it or not. Love, friendship, and her sister by her side. She can joke around, express herself, and simply be Sayo Hikawa, with no strings attached. Nothing holding her back.

Hina stops running, and realizes how the mood has shifted. She creeps closer slowly, and when she sees Sayo's face, she gasps. "Big Sis... you're crying..."

And Sayo is, apparently. She reaches up to wipe the away the few tears that have escaped, and in that time, Tsugumi and Lisa move to comfort her as well. Tsugumi takes her hand, and Lisa gently rubs her shoulder. "I'm... I'm just..." The words stumble out clumsily, forcing their way out. "I'm so happy to have you back, Hina... to have all of you with me. Thank you for staying by my side, even when I'm... at my worst."

Hina launches into her arms, squeezing her so tight that Sayo can barely breathe... But she doesn't mind. Tsugumi follows suit, wrapping around her arm, and she goes on tiptoes to whisper gently in Sayo's ear. "We love you, Sayo-san. Don't ever forget that, okay?"

Sayo knows she never will.

**Author's Note:**

> "Ohoho, Sayochi, can't you see I'm blazing~?" -Moca Aoba
> 
> hope you enjoyed! title is from the song over your shoulder from dinosaur jr. comments are always appreciated and you can also hit me up on twitter @tractioncities!


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